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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Seriously, There's Something Wrong With Me!

I know that everyone has their individual fashion woes. I'm sure that each individual feels that their particular fashion problem is the worst problem in fashion.

I beg to disagree with you all for I truly have The worst fashion problem in the world!
ALAS is the not-so-medical term for my condition. What is ALAS? Abnormally Long Arms Syndrome. It is a devastating fashion disease. The only symptom, abnormally long arms, is unfortunately incurable. A few years ago, I thought the Fashion industry had become sympathetic to the condition because three quarter length sleeves became the rage.
However, I soon discovered that once again, the designers were just making fashion statements, just as they refuse to acknowledge that Plus Size women want to dress in fashionable, well made clothing instead of velour housecoats,
elastic waisted, tapered leg, polyester dress pants in putrid shades of pastels,and T-shirts with Looney Tunes, Winnie the Pooh, or other ridiculously juvenile characters screen printed on them.  They were ignoring the plights of the many (or one person) suffering from ALAS. How do I know they were ignoring my condition? Because the trend of three quarter length coats became popular in our fashion, but the elbow length glove did not enter the fashion scene until just this past year - from what I can tell in the fashion epicenter of Western PA.

For now I will focus on ALAS as it is in the winter that I suffer most from this syndrome. Here is what a normal winter coat should look like on a person. Most of you won't need the illustration as you probably already have normal length arms so you know what it looks like. The cuff of the coat sleeve reaches the wrist and possibly hangs slightly below.Here is what a smartly dressed, normal length armed woman would look like out and about in the winter. See how the cuff of her coat arm adequately covers the wrist and leaves no exposed skin?

This is a picture of my arm outside the other day as I scraped the snow off the roof of my mini van.

Is that not ridiculous? I have a good 5 inches of arm exposed to the elements!

You suggest I just buy longer gloves. Easier said than done, my friends. My fingers are also unusually long, so finding gloves to fit are also difficult. My only consolation is that my fingers are skinny, so at least mens gloves are somewhat too big for my hands. Still, mens gloves are made short as well and since I'm not wearing a man's parka, the 5 inches of forearm are still exposed to the elements.

I was so excited this fall - Old Navy was selling the most adorable 3/4 length sleeve coat - but I had to pass it over because I could not find gloves that would cover my abnormal wing-span to make the coat look fashionable and care for me in the elements.  I can't even rely on long sleeved shirts to span the difference because long sleeve shirts are still about 2 inches short on my abnormally long arms.  

I wish Opera gloves would come back into style, but I have a feeling that those gloves were made for someone with delicate and dainty hands. I do not have delicate and dainty hands.

There you have it folks - my horrible disfigurement of ALAS and how I struggle to keep the five inches of skin on my forearms from suffering hypothermia.  Short of learning to knit or crochet, I'm not sure how I will ever remedy my situation.  Ski gloves can be helpful, but they are bulky and not very attractive accessories for dress coats.  There is no Abnormally Long Arms section of the department store and custom made gloves are outrageously expensive.

Feel my pain, won't you?  And try not to laugh at my disfigurement the next time you see me or someone like me.  We know we look ridiculous, we did look in the mirror and we are aware that our gloves do not meet our sleeves.  It is not a deliberate fashion faux paux.  It is a cruel twist of genetic fate. I have a dream that one day my daughter will be able to wear long sleeves with pride and freedom.

Then I will buy her all the adorable coats I wish I could have had.  

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